I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
