Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
