Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
