i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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