first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
