I'm laying in your front yard are you home
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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