maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
