i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
