If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
