Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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