i love accidental penises.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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