YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
