I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
