I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
