We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
