How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
