Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
