remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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