I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
