I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
