How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
