Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
