Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
