I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
