i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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