so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
