I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
