your parents love me but you hate me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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