i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
