I think I am morally bankrupt
Little spoons don't ask big questions
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
