my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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