fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
