o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
