So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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