just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize