fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
