New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
