I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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