I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
