So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
