I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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