I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
