i need an iv and a liver transplant
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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