threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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