dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
