Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
