I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The adults are the big ones right?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
