why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
