Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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