the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
